


Hellfire, Holy Water

by Bookwormgal, Crystalinn, GeekWithTea, obaewankenope (rexthranduil)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crowley Needs a Hug (Good Omens), Emetophobia, Fake Character Death, Fire, Heavy Angst, Holy Water, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, Suicide Attempt, This entire story is a suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 04:30:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20168179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookwormgal/pseuds/Bookwormgal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crystalinn/pseuds/Crystalinn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekWithTea/pseuds/GeekWithTea, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rexthranduil/pseuds/obaewankenope
Summary: Crowley has killed Aziraphale (or so he thinks), and in a panic he seeks eternal damnation in a church. Unfortunately for him, there are too many people determined to keep him alive. (Bookwormgal, Obaewankenope and "Crys" from the chatroom co-created this idea with me).





	Hellfire, Holy Water

**Author's Note:**

> When I find out Crys' AO3 I will be crediting them with the work officially if they want to.
> 
> Trigger warning. This is a 3000+ word long unsuccessful suicide attempt. Read at your own risk.  
TW: Realistic body horror (first couple of sentences)  
TW: Suicide (whole story)  
TW: Ementophobia (one at the beginning, and a larger one at the end)
> 
> Read the story that made the mods decide that we needed a darker channel than just the angst one.

_“Oh Go-Sa-somebody!” His voice echoed among the embers of the bookstore. It was as real as it had been. Water hit him in the back like the sword in his heart and sent him careening further than before. His body slammed against the bookshelf to meet panicking blue eyes. Duct tape was around his mouth and his flesh began to become one with the floor. _

_“Zira!” He screamed, it barely sounding like a language. He begged for water, but the only water he saw was the tears of horror in the muffled cries of his Angel. With no better option, he collapsed on top of his angel, shielding what was left of his body with his thin frame, hoping that at least something could be saved. “Hang on! Please!” He pushed some of his power into healing. _ _He used to heal. Could he heal again?_

_More power and more power and more power. _

_The body under him became thinner as it wasted away in the flames. His angel began to scream, kicking and flailing under himself. _

_“_ _I’m just healing you, please just let me try. I can’t lose you, I can’t darling! Not again!”_

His eyes snapped wide open, and his breathing quickly turned to gasping coughs. Oh no. He scrunched his eyes tight as he begged to see something different, but the fire, his own fucking flames teased him, tickled on his back like sociopathic children playing with an ant and a microscope. His eyes opened, begging that this dream would be over.

It was real. It was his flat, and the bed was so burnt that there was a human-shaped imprint from black soot alone.

Aziraphale.

“Azira-!” His voice stopped as a piece of the tartan jacket fell slowly from underneath him as he shot up.

The protection…the hugging…power…restraining…bur…ning...

No.

No no.

No no no no no no.

Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononono…..

Nonononoohgodpleasenonononoohsatanpleasenononononononononohsomeonepleasenononono

An inhuman scream ripped from his lungs and pierced his ears. Before long, he didn’t know how to breathe and he certainly didn’t want to. The scream ripped from his throat and his voice was soon stolen leaving just a crackling howl. He couldn’t live like this. He didn’t deserve to live after this. Running out the room he passed in front of the mirror. He was covered in Aziraphale’s ashes. Such a kind soul and now like everything he touched, he ruined it.

Whipping open the cupboard drawer with inhuman strength, he grabbed the holy water. His weeping grew stronger just at the sight of tartan and memories of pleading not to use it as a suicide capsule. He had promised he would never leave Aziraphale but now…

Murderer murderer murderer murderer…

He whipped open the cap and waited for at least a drop to fall. It was bone dry, not even moisture. Darling, caring Aziraphale and his kindness and his fucking thoroughness. If only his fucking tears could count but of course, no disgusting, depraved soul could create something that holy. The thermos smashed into the cabinet. He had to die. Not discorporate. Die.

A moment of clarity teased in his mind. The church. What fucking consecrated church didn’t have holy water? He didn’t grab shoes, a jacket or anything but the clothes on his back. His glasses were left neglected and there was no need for the Bentley. He just needed to run. At three in the morning, when London was at its quietest, a weeping, soot crested demon ran screaming into the church.

\--

Adam woke up to Dog barking and soon realized what had set Dog off. Something was wrong. He couldn’t tell what yet, but the overpowering distress nearly broke him into tears. Quickly, he threw a jacket over his shirt, determined that it could wait for a moment, so the world didn’t know the former Anti-Christ wore Ninja Turtles pajamas still. He grabbed Dog under his arm and followed the chaotic aura.

“Where the fuck is it?!” He could hear the voice, but it was so distorted with rage and grief that he couldn’t figure out who it was. Glass shattered, and something heavy smashed to the floor. Something like water began to pour and a frustrated scream broke out. Adam looked around the building to realize it was a church. It wasn’t fancy beyond red carpet and plush seats. A single pulpit stood in the way. Where was what?

Holy water.

The screamer was looking for Holy Water.

Crowley.

“Crowley!” Adam screamed as he ran around the rooms. “Where are you?” He heard something tear to his left and he threw his weight into the locked door. Only by sheer magic was it able to open and it revealed limping and manic footsteps prowling around the kitchen. Glass coated the floor alongside the water, and the water poured as if the sink had been ripped out of the wall.

“Don’t you fucking make me live without him you bastard! Not after what I just fucking did!”

Adam sidestepped the glass, feeling a little piercing into his feet.

“Dog! Catch him!” Dog, remembering that it was indeed a hellhound jumped on the demon’s back and the legs he could see suddenly gave out to the floor. A sharp yelp was heard, and Dog was thrown in front of Adam who caught him with ease. No damage, just the fright of being thrown. The feet that were searing on the ground got up and sprinted into the sanctuary.

The Baptismal.

Turning around, Adam ran towards the long-legged demon as he ran to uncover the vat and its water from the tub inside. He released Dog, who ran to Crowley and took a sharp yank at the leg of his pajama pants and knocked him down with such force that would leave a human with a concussion.

“Get off you fucking stupid dog!” Adam soon caught up as the demon tried to wriggle out of the grasp and began smashing his fist at the porcelain basin. “Come on!” The demon screamed. It happened in an instant. Water gushed out and Adam barely managed to throw a shield in time. The pipe, unwilling to submit to the Anti-Christ’s will, and perhaps submitting to the will of another, gushed all around the demon who was fighting the shield to just get closer.

“I’m sorry Aziraphale, please! I can’t live in a world without you!” Crowley howled. Adam kept just enough of his wits about him to hold the shield but stopped dead in his tracks. Quickly, he located Aziraphale’s aura. It was faint, but it was above them. He was in heaven. Alive, not discorporated but just a bit frustrated. Thank god…but what the hell had led to this?

“Crowley! Everything’s alright!” “No…no! He’s dead-I…I…” There was an inhuman scream and the wailing. The fucking wailing would haunt him until the end of his days. “I can sense him!” Crowley didn’t say anything but his mouth moved as if he was trying to speak through the wails. Adam remembered the nature documentary where a deer had been left for dead and the shrieks it made. To see them come out of anything human shaped thundered in his brain. Crowley swatted at the shield and he felt it crack. Running, he took a leaping tackle and landed square on the demon’s back. Black wings shot out and battered him. It didn’t hurt, but he knew if this kept going, at best it would leave bruises. At worst, he could break free.

Quickly, he pressed Aziraphale’s number. Ring…ring…ring…” Hello dear boy or darling people, I am afraid I can’t answer the device…” At dear boy, the wails turned to sobs and screams, sounding vaguely like “I killed him, I fucking killed him”, and Adam feared that Crowley would simply choke on the lack of air intake. The shield cracked again and he reinforced it. If it budged in anyway, the pouring pipe of holy water would kill Crowley, and the demon certainly was not interested in preserving his life.

He pressed two on speed dial.

“H…hello?”

“Anathema! I need help, really badly!”

“What…”

“Can you jump to auras? Hurry!” The shield cracked again. “He’s going to…” Adam’s voice cracked.

“Bethlehem Mennonite? Is that where you are? I feel an intense aura…oh lord.” He knew the feeling. This was drowning him.

“Adam?” It was Newton. “Anathema’s alright but she just needed air for a moment. What’s going on? Oh God what’s that screaming?”

The shield cracked and more magic streamed out of him. “Crowley! It’s bad, we need help! I don’t think I can teleport you! You’re too far!”

The phone was grabbed again. “It’s okay Adam. I just put a spell to make the car go faster. It’ll only take us 15 minutes. Shadwell and Tracy are much closer. I’ll drive, and Newton will call them, okay?”

Adam gasped. “Okay, okay.”

“Just stay calm Adam. Put me on speaker phone so you can concentrate. If you need to hang up, do what you have to.”

“Sorry.” Adam whimpered and he clicked the speaker phone. Now the screaming wails bubbled through the phone-line and Newton cursed. He couldn’t see Anathema’s reaction but he could imagine the determination on her face. He could hear Newton’s babbling voice over the phone but couldn’t make out what was being said. Suddenly, the thrashing became stronger as if there were a sudden burst of determination in the demon. Hands flailed less at the shield and more for Adam. He was barely able to put a shield up for himself, but it made the shield around Crowley smaller, and the water menacingly bubbled closer. Any smaller and Crowley’s appendages would stick out. “Get off me! Get off me!”

“Adam!” The car engine over the phone revved.

There was a gentle knock on the church door. “Adam, sweetie. It’s Madame Tracy. Mister Shadwell’s going to burst the door open so don’t be frightened, okay?”

A different car engine roared and the doors burst open. “Thank God for wheelchair r-Christ Almighty!”

If Adam had been able to turn around, he might have giggled despite himself at the slack jaw expression, but bony hands were gripping his hair and trying to force him off their owner’s back.

“Hands off the boy!” With an unusual amount of speed for an old man, Shadwell unlocked the snake-like grip off Adam’s hair and pulled the hands away. His eyes widened at the sight of Crowley’s face. “Oh sonny, what happened to you…?” There was a thickness he would deny later, but Crowley’s eyes shifted from manic rage again to manic pain.

“Letmedieletmedieletmedieletme-“ He continued on and on until the words warped into the screaming that would haunt Adam’s every waking moment if they failed.

Thank God for Madame Tracy. “Adam! Just keep holding on! Call Dog to sit on his back too to even out the pressure. Shadwell! Stop that tap! I’m going to get ahold of Aziraphale.” Madame Tracy sat her crystal ball on its stand and placed it on the chair.

“He’s dead! Az-“ He dissolved into fitful sobs again, this time with his hands going into his own hair as if he were trying to rip it out. Dog did his best to be a dog and nuzzle into Crowley’s face while sitting on one of his arms. Adam might have been the Antichrist but it didn’t stop him from praying for a miracle.

\--

Aziraphale stood glibly in Gabriel’s office. It was bad enough getting summoned at three in the morning, but for paperwork? Hardly worth his damn time. At least he had been able to slip out of Crowley’s grip to avoid waking him up, but he had been scolded for appearing in half of his clothes. He knew this summon was coming but surely at a more convenient time? He had already thoroughly tuned out Gabriel other than a few short nods, but he wasn’t prepared for Madame Tracy’s voice, or her misted face to appear straight over Gabriel’s desk.

“Aziraphale. You need to get down here now. Bethlehem Mennonite Church. Now.”

Gabriel, who managed to recover from his shock faster than Aziraphale had the nerve to look incensed. “Excuse me, but you just interrupted-“

“Is anyone dying? More than one?” Madame Tracy snipped with more bite than he had ever heard when they shared forms.

Aziraphale’s heart plummeted. “Is Sargeant Shadwell having a heart attack?”

“No. It’s your man…he’s in a bit of a state.” And what a state it was. The screaming and wails would have put Hell to shame.

“Gabriel, I am leaving.” Gabriel, who just seemed disturbed by the noises, or as a miracle from God just vaguely nodded.

Aziraphale rocketed to Earth, almost physically bursting through the roof until he caught himself. The scene was horrific. He might have laughed at Sargeant Shadwell trying to jam candles into a baptismal pipe but Crowley screaming on the staircase with a struggling Adam and Dog on his back was enough to shock him senseless for a moment. The magical shield grew stronger around them. He wanted to run but with the hectic scene in front, there was a need for grace. Gently, he summoned the water back through the pipe on a trail that began with the ceiling.

Anathema rushed over and grabbed Adam off Crowley’s back and Newton began working on throwing towels around Crowley. The carpets were now bone dry, but it made Aziraphale relax just a bit.

“No…please…” The screaming had died down. “Haven’t you punished me enough?” A whimper crackled out of Crowley’s throat.

“It’s me darling. I’m here. Darling, can you please tell me what is wrong?”

Newton placed an orange towel on top of Crowley, who’s fight at last seem drawn out. “You’re not real, I killed you.” His body closed in on itself, like a serpent curling around itself waiting for death. Aziraphale was taken aback. He took in Crowley, with the soot covering his front other than what looked like galaxies of tears that were streaming and had streamed down his face.

Before Aziraphale could find the words under the sheer heartbreak, Newton tapped Crowley on the shoulder. “It’s okay. I can see him too.”

Crowley slowly looked up and at him. The thousand-yard stare slowly walked its steps back as Crowley drank Aziraphale in. He tried to stand up and Newton lent him his shoulder, but he staggered onward. “Ang…el…?”

Aziraphale’s heart broke in two, and with a teary smile opened his arms wide. “Yes, it’s me.” He walked closer and gave him a hug. “Do I feel familiar?” He pushed Crowley’s head down to his heart. “Do you feel my heartbeat?”

There was a small, high pitched keen and Crowley gripped Aziraphale like a lifeline, weeping openly. “Az…” He hiccupped, his poor voice just a crackle. “I’m here dear boy, I’m here.” For a moment they remained, and Aziraphale thought this storm might be over. Then, Crowley’s arms dropped, and he stumbled backwards with a retching sound. A bucket suddenly appeared within grasp and he doubled over. Anathema opened her bag and pulled out a soft bathrobe, juice box and retrieved one of the towels.

When finished, he sat with the bucket between his legs and slumped over with a fresh wave of tears. “Th…that’s how I killed you.” His voice echoed in the bucket. Aziraphale moved it out of the way, holding his breath until it was as far as it could be while in reach.

“But you didn’t kill me.” Aziraphale sat down with him and rubbed his hand on his thigh. “Dear, you’re shivering, and you have no shoes. I’m quite alright but I’m terribly worried about you, dear boy.”

“…I did some work in a trauma unit a few years ago. Maybe these would help?” Aziraphale nodded at Anathema. “Crowley. There is a towel, apple juice and a bathrobe here. I won’t leave you indecent, but can I clean you up a bit?” He tightened more on himself.

Anathema spoke up. “Would you like me to do it?” He nodded. “Now Crowley, you’re not a danger to Aziraphale, but I can help you this time. Left arm out?” She slid the bathrobe on his arm and the other arm.

Aziraphale held up his hand before she tied the front. “Here darling. I am tying the strings, and I am fine. You aren’t hurting me, I am fine. I am sure your blood sugar is low. Do you want to take a drink and then I can hold you? You will not hurt me but if you need the reassurance, it will be easier for me to back if up I hold you versus the reverse.”

Crowley nodded with a whimper and sipping almost pathetically on the straw, Aziraphale slipped his arms around Crowley’s shoulders from behind.

“Crowley?” Adam walked up, looking like his age and Aziraphale’s heart found another person to hurt for. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“It’s okay, Adam. I think we are all going to be okay soon, hmm?” Crowley put his head in the crook of Aziraphale’s neck. “There you go…” He gently whispered, rubbing a hand through the shaking ginger’s hair. “Do you want me to send you back to Tadfield?”

“We can drive him.” Anathema and Newton nodded.

“….Well, I might need your help with…” He tucked Crowley tighter into the crook of his neck and signed “[with the state of the flat. I can’t leave him alone like this but I don’t want him to see what occurred.]”

Newton nodded. “Well, I could drive Adam back. Don’t your parents sleep like rocks?”

Adam nodded. “Yep.” Or rather, they did when he had sneaked out and didn’t need them. He had almost woken them up either to conserve his energy for the shield or to get their help, but he assumed their help of calling the police would make the situation far worse than better.

“If you two darlings need to stay the night, if you are willing to miracle the car from the damage…don’t worry Crowley, you didn’t cause that.” He shook his head as if to say ‘I know.’ “I can drive you home and Mister Shadwell can help Anathema with the clean-up. Maybe set some sigils against hellfire without affecting your man, or at least clean up the burn marks."

“…Hellfire?”

Aziraphale blinked. He had assumed it was just one of those nightmares again. Madame Tracy smiled. “The poor dear’s covered in soot and was looking for holy water. I can put two and two together.”

Crowley whimpered and he shook more violently. “Oh darling…” He looked at the car and had it fixed with a snap, alongside the church. “Crowley, what would you rather do? Do you want to accept Madame Tracy’s offer of the spare room, or would you rather stay in the Bentley, or should I see if there is a hotel miraculously open, we can pop off to? One with a nice warm bath for two so I can stay by your side while I clean you up, hmm?”

He didn’t make any response other than the continued whimper. “Thank you, Madame Tracy, but I suspect it’ll be a long night for us and even longer for you if you host us. Sargeant Shadwell, Anathema if you are completely…”

“Yes, that’s alright. I’ll make sure the place is well protected.” He held up his magic finger.

“_I_ will set the sigils. My magic is neutral.” With a side eye she added and existent. “You will make sure there’s no evidence of the trauma for tomorrow. Poor Adam already worked all night long to keep everyone safe.”

“And…um…when you’re feeling better Crowley, maybe you and Aziraphale could come up and visit? If you got a favourite food, I’ll make sure Dad makes it.” Adam smiled weakly, clearly exhausted.

“Of course. But make sure you get your favourite food tomorrow or at least for the rest of the year. You’ve earned it.” Aziraphale smiled with a silent thank you. “I don’t know how to repay you, but I will.” His voice cracked just a bit with an “oh dear.” Crowley reached up with the towel and blindly wiped at Aziraphale’s face even if the tears hadn’t fallen just yet. Aziraphale whispered a thank you and chose to store that emotion away for later.

Newton gestured to Adam. “Ready to go, kiddo?” Adam opted to shake his head yes with a loud yawn.

“Ready to go Crowley?” Aziraphale offered, and though the demon clung to him, he felt the nodding in the crook of his neck, and he picked him up. Aziraphale couldn’t help laughing at the blush and vanished them to a beautiful hotel in a country where night had just begun.


End file.
